“You are a whole that exists to live a life not half a life”– Kahlil Gibran
Your days are numbered. It really is.
After being in a bus accident in the deserted highway of Kenya where I saw death, I know in my bones that life is gorgeous and fragile.
If there are changes in your life that you silently craved but not had the courage to create. Whether it is starting a passion project, finding a life-partner, building a company, or feeling healthy and alive.
Time gives you another chance.
You can change, you can evolve, you can help your life to blossom in the way that is gorgeous to you.
But change is hard, isn’t it? How many time did you set resolutions and forgot all about it? How many time did you intellectually know what you “should do,” and yet can’t help not doing it?
I had done it plenty of times… until I realized the nature of change and started helping myself
In this article, I’ll show you how.
You see. Change doesn’t happen overnight.
If you want to stop being depressed and start being happy, or if you want to be done with insecurity and begin to exude confidence, or if you want to stop being in the wrong relationships and start attracting healthy happy love…
There is no silver bullet, no magic pill, no motivational video that will help you change overnight.
I’m saying this from my 8 years of being both student and teacher in the field of personal transformation.
Change occurs in stages.
Look at nature, there are 20,000 species of butterflies in the world, but they all go through the same stages.
I’ve worked with serial entrepreneur, solopreneur, small and medium business owner, high-level executive, school teacher, sabbatical-taker, etc.
I’ve helped people going from painful breakup to blissful engagement, from being depressed and exhausted with work to have the “This is my dream job!” moment, from decades of taunting self-hate to finding self-love and experiencing the bliss that comes with it.
These are not small changes like changing a bathroom carpet. These are deep fundamental changes.
Across the board, I’ve observed that there are 8 stages of change. They happen in a beautiful order.
The reason people failed to make the last changes in life is that they skip the foundations. So it’s like asking a tree to grow without giving it the time to take roots.
If you’re still reading now, I know you want to change your life for the better.
First, let me ask you two questions
1. What change do you want to bring into your life?
I want to change/move from ________________ to ________________.
Example: I want to change myself from depression to happiness.
2. What are the things you want to make/build/create in your life?
I want to create _____________________.
Example: I want to create a healthy, supportive, and loving relationship.
Don’t spend too much time overthinking it. Just be intuitive and write down the first thing you sense coming in your mind or heart.
Make sure this is something your heart genuinely desires. Not something you think you want because society tells you that you should want those kinds of things. (Like how all your friends dream of becoming a corporate consultant. And you end up buying into that dream.)
Now, get to know the stages below. As you read, hold the change you desire in mind and reflect to see where you are.
* This is just a summary of the stages. They’re too deep for me to cover in only 1 article. However, this will give you a comprehensive roadmap.
Stage 1 – Awareness: I see
Change is an intense process. But to resist change is ten times more painful.
If you’ve been living the same old year, having the same old problems over and over again, I know that you’re in pain. But you may not.
One of the biggest reasons why we don’t change and let our life evolve is that we’re numb from our own pain. We’re so busy being busy, distracting yourself with deadlines, Facebook notifications, games, alcohol… Being so distracted, we become desensitized. We’re sitting on a hot stove refusing to move because we can’t feel our buttock. And one day we wake up completely fried with depression, hormonal breakdown, cancer, or the urge to kill ourselves.
Often the first thing I need to do with people who come to me for coaching is to wake them up so they can see their reality loud and clear.
If you’re in a job that makes you exhausted and miserable and dead. It’s good to know that. If you’re in a relationship that drags you down instead of lifting you up. It’s good to know that. If you have everything from the outside but emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. It’s also good to know that.
Not to pity yourself and resent your life but to be aware. Allow yourself to feel the pain of your life acutely. And then allow it to fuel your desire for change.
As a human, we’re wired to resist change.
The most potent reason for the change is when a person is so acutely aware of her life and surrender to the truth that she has no other choice.
Stage 2 – Desire: I want
“I want to find a new job.” “I want to find a life partner who supports me in all my endeavours.” “I want to make a good living doing what I love.” “I want to stop being depressed and start being happy.” “I want to start my own business.” “I want to write and publish a book.”
Statements like this, once clearly declared, has tremendous power. However, chances are, if it really means a lot to you, you don’t even dare to say it aloud.
Why?
Maybe you’ve turned failures into hopelessness. Or you’re afraid that you will disappoint yourself. The voice of your mother chimes in advising you to be “realistic.” And if you’re a woman, you think you shouldn’t want too much because you don’t want to be “demanding.”
One client asked me when I was guiding her through the process of uncovering her desires: “Is it okay for me to want this much?” As if she needs an authority to give her permission to want something.
So you choose to be “realistic” and be “content with what you have,” while in fact, you’re just playing small.
I say this with a lot of love because I’ve been there before.
However, your heart’s desire is life yearning for itself. The same way a plant yearns for sunlight. Then it’s our responsibility to stop being small, start to own what we want.
Stage 3 – Confidence: I can
Every single person I’ve ever worked with struggle with insecurity in the area of their life that they want to make a breakthrough.
You need confidence. Not “I hope I can.” But “I know I can.”
They hear the voice of their Self-doubt: “I’m not young/smart/old/rich/experienced/strong… enough to do this.”
As soon as you believe in this thought, you’re hit by the fear of failure. These thoughts aren’t going to disappear soon. So you need to train yourself to be aware of them as they bubble up in your mind and choose not to believe in them.
However, it’s impossible to be confident all the time. Especially for women who have hormonal fluxes every month. There are days when I wake up feeling a complete failure. And that is totally fine.
A lot of people don’t know that confidence is highly experiential. I was born a highly sensitive introvert. I struggled with anxiety and insecurity all my life until I realize that I can fake it. I’ve spoken in 6 different countries, including 3 times on TEDx. Almost every single time before I came on stage I felt like I might vomit.
If you’re having a hard time with confidence, ask yourself: “What would I do if I were confident?” “What would I do if I absolutely believe that I can succeed?” Journal the answer and do just that. It doesn’t matter if you feel insecure, fake it and do it anyway. The doing will give you confidence.
A client of mine was a brilliant woman who felt shy about raising her voice at her workplace. As I guided her to repeatedly choosing to speak up, even if her voice shakes a bit while she does so, confidence slowly grows inside her. Now speaking up is her second nature.
Stage 4 – Deservedness: I deserve
This is the tricky one. Hardly anyone of us escapes childhood without any limiting beliefs about ourselves.
Beliefs like: “I’m not lovable.” “I don’t deserve love.” will absolutely block the change you want to happen. Because this translates to “I don’t deserve what I want because there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.”
When I was small, my father went through a tough period with alcohol. My child’s mind couldn’t understand why he was never happy with me. There must be a reason for it, and it concluded that there was something wrong with me.
Therefore throughout my early adulthood, I struggled with unworthiness and the shame of being fundamentally flawed. Naturally, I unconsciously punished myself the way my father punished me, through bad relationships, smoking, alcohol, sex, irresponsible spending, self-criticism… I’m sharing this is not to blame him. I love my father. But I needed to do a lot of deep inner work to heal our relationship and heal my inner child.
Once I was healed, I was able to release those beliefs. Then, I started allowing myself to receive beautiful things in life (instead of punishments). And I could work on creating a beautiful marriage, friendships, passion business, realizing my childhood dream… instead of sabotaging it.
You see. The sense of deservedness is a consequence of doing inner healing work. I’ve met many people who are resistant to healing their inner child. They just want to get what they want. I always needed to remind them that healing is essential. Otherwise, it’s like a chain on your ankles. You just can’t move forward.
Stage 5 – Resolve: I take action
When you’re clear about your desire, when you’re in a state of confidence (or fake confidence) and when you believe you deserve what you want; your actions carry a different level of magnitude.
You’ll show up in your life more powerfully. You’ll make powerful choices and take powerful actions.
Still, I can guarantee that you will feel resistance towards it. In his book Do the Work, Steven Pressfield simply put: “Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel”
I don’t resist watching the entire Harry Potter series for the 6th time, but I indeed resisted writing this article. Anxiety, fear, procrastination, perfectionism, distractions… you name it. These are all resistance.
The big mistake is to think that you need to have the motivation and a perfect plan before you start working. But most of the time it’s the other way around, the actions itself bring momentum, motivation, and clarity.
So stick your butt on the chair to write that article. Or get out butt out the door for that meeting. Show up. Get to work.
Stage 6 – Wholeness: I give 100 per cent
I want to quote Khalil Gibran again here:
“Half a life is a life you didn’t live,
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know
To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent”
Over-thinking, second-guessing, doubting… These are all energy and time suckers on your path.
This year, I wrote my first book. After finishing the manuscript, I went into despair because I believed in the thought “This book isn’t any good. It’s a horrible idea.” I almost scrapped it. I wasted months going back and forth until I realized that these thoughts are just blocking me.
My book 10,000 Miles for Love is now published, and the response has been incredibly positive. 2 days ago, I got an email from a woman saying the book has such a profound impact on her that after finishing one chapter and she cried like a baby.
So if you’re on the journey, see it through to the end. Don’t talk yourself out of greatness.
Stage 7 – Grit: I’ll never give up
When you start working on making powerful changes in your life, you’ll be met with forceful challenges. You will experience failures, disappointments, disapproval, rejection, and heartbreaks. Notice I didn’t say “may.”
Even if you’ve done deep healing work, even if you hire the best coach who shows you every step of the way, even if you’ve read the Law of Attraction cover to cover and spent time daily to feel into what you want… there are always things out of your control.
The investor said no, the interviewer say I’m very sorry, the client said it’s not the right time, the ideal partner whom you gathered all your courage to confess your love to said he isn’t in the place to have a serious relationship right now, a reader left a negative comments on your book.
Or worse, nobody seems to care. Except for your family and friends who are very worried about your changes. They wonder why you’re trying so hard and acting so weird. They suggest/pressure/beg you to get back to “normal.”
And even if none of those things actually happen to you. Chances are: you’ll fall off course on the way.
Did you know that Apollo 11 mission on its way to the Moon was off course 97% of the time? Still, it reached its destination because of constant feedback and course-correction.
Your journey of transformation is a zigzag line. At times, you’ll look up and not even see the moon. And yet, you will need to persist.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned after nearly a decade of continuously reinventing myself is the importance of having support.
A mentor, a coach, an accountability buddy, a community, a soul-sister friend, a supportive husband… The more support I can gather for myself from the onset and along the way, the higher the chance of success I have – and the more joyful the journey become.
These people can call me out when I’m bullshitting my way out of my dream. Tell me “No way” when I’m about to quit. They love me for the person I am and at the same time raise me up to the person I can become.
The biggest problem I often see when I work with strong independent people is that they want to figure everything out by themselves. They don’t know how to ask for support. They feel weak and almost ashamed that they need help from others. I’ve been there before.
True strength is to be vulnerable enough to ask for and receive help.
True wisdom is to recognize that you don’t know what you don’t know and use the expertise of others as powerful leverage for your dream.
Stage 8 – Alignment: I am
In this state, you have gone through the journey of change. You’ve given your absolute 100% and pushed through the darkest night.
You’re no longer the wannabe; you’re the dare-to-become.
I don’t believe in the motivational pop culture that says you’ll succeed in all of your endeavours if you work hard and believe. Like if you give it all up to follow your passion for a living, you’ll get exactly the stuff you want. I don’t think it’s that simple.
I’ve put 100% of myself in many things in my life, and I’ve “failed” many times (fail = not getting the outcome I expected.)
However, I always learned invaluable lessons. Secondly, whenever I pour my heart-work and hard-work into something and not getting it, I always was detoured to a path that is even more rewarding – the thing my soul needed more. I see the same thing in the clients I work with.
Two years ago, a woman started working with me because she wanted to be with a soulmate. After a few months of deep inner work, she let go of the old relationship, opened her heart, and was ready for new love. However, she realized a change in career was what she needed more.
So she quit the stable high-paying corporate job in which she felt comfortable but empty. Now she is leading a medium-sized business, continue challenging herself, and exploring her passion for art.
The universe told her that she needed to learn to be happy on her own before sharing her happiness with the man of her life. (Which is, by the way, the definition of real love.)
So you see, the journey is always, always worth it.
You climb a mountain not because you want to be on the mountaintop, just for the sake of it. Sure, while you’re up there you can marvel at the view for a few hours, or even a few days. But eventually, it gets boring.
You climb a mountain because of the things you get to experience on the wild trail.
The peaks, the pits, the plateaus. The morning of brilliant sunlight. The night with no moon. The flower on the water edge of a hidden spring. The song of a bird at dawn. The hoot of an owl at dusk. The times when you fall on your faces. And the times when you decide to move forward no matter what…
These experiences have enriched your soul and evolved your being in ways you couldn’t imagine. And isn’t that the whole point of living?
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This article was first published on October 24, 2019
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